They’ve read the emails by now. They know you can offer more than “intense pressure.”

Have they not seen how we treat our own party’s politicians? What makes them think we’re gonna suddenly rally an ex-politician?

“You think you can take me down?! I’m gonna burn your socks!”

“Eww, did you dig through my trash to find those?! Look, if you want them, you can have them, but stop threatening me with my garbage.”

C’mon, bust out the chapstick. You know how to make soft politicians hard.

Narcissists often think that people who tolerate their presence all want to be friends with them

Paul Robalino?

Sure! I’ll be friends with anyone who wants a friend and doesn’t have a latent desire to cause me physical, mental, or emotional harm.

Key in the ignition

I used to keep a cigar lighter and knife with me just in case I found some exceptional-looking cactus while driving around here. I’d still do it if urban sprawl hadn’t replaced wild cacti here in Texas with cultivated cacti in people’s yards.

I was extra-frustrated this year when I saw all the prickly pears changing colors in people’s yards, while knowing that no one actually harvests them.

Normal ones. You know, a classic 80:20 fat:meat, 2 pounder, covered in every condiment known to mankind, and garnished with Carolina Reapers stuffed with bacon and cream cheese. Pretty reasonable recipe.

Why would he want you to irritate his bowels?

Maybe we should kiss

I used to run the tech for a middle school and had to cover/sub for a lot of classes one year, which also was the same year we were getting deployed new equipment. Anytime I subbed in one of the computer labs, this is exactly what I’d do. It felt so deliciously naughty.