For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
Unnecessary, uncool. Why try to label someone why you don’t know, and obviously don’t have the credentials to diagnose?
I mean they did say “you may be…” and then followed it up with advice to talk to a professional. I don’t think there was an attempt to diagnose here, even though I don’t agree with how the comment was worded. Personally, I think everyone should get tested to see what neuroatypicalities they have.
Not following the impersonal and casual, episodic/event-based gift-giving culture we have here in the west to the T isn’t evidence of disease.
I agree, and nowhere does the person say it is.
Strongly suggesting that OP’s behavior fits the “classic hallmarks of ASD”, appealing to their own diagnosis of autism by saying “game recognizes game”, and suggesting that they need to seek professional diagnosis and “take the first step” is basically suggesting that OP’s behavior is diseased or disordered. You are free to disagree.
Disclaimer: I am autistic myself and I am a neurodiversity advocate. My point here is not to criticize other autistic people, but to highlight that framing OP’s normal, context-driven behavior as evidence of a disorder is medicalizing and pathologizing something that is very likely ordinary and rational human behavior.
I understand where you’re coming from, but I’ll still disagree that the commentator was using anything as evidence. It was merely used as a suggestion. ASD is a neurodevelopmental disorder and shows up through behaviour and it does not hurt to get tested. For example, I have MDD. If I describe a one-time occurrence of my symptoms, it’s easy to chalk it up to ordinary behaviour. The issue is that it is a persistent and repetitive behavior that doesn’t go away. The OP has replied and posted that other people in their life have suggested they get tested and they’re not surprised to hear this. That suggests persistent and repetitive behaviour that suggests neurodivergence. I will repeat that it does not hurt to get tested. If OP gets tested and is not on the spectrum, great. If they get tested and they are on the spectrum, also great, it’s probably better that they know.
I suggest you re-read the quote in the comment you just replied to. It’s totally fine if we disagree, but I strongly believe that this is pathologizing behavior and even if it didn’t cause harm this time - it very well could with another person they suggest they might have autism to.
Here is evidence of the person in question’s behavior causing or leading to some level of stigmatization: https://slrpnk.net/post/30279460/19178188
I’ve been told that I’m likely on the spectrum or autistic in many different ways by people who believe they know what they’re talking about and it’s hurt me and my self-image greatly. This has been accompanied by discrimination, of course stigmatization - people seeing everything I do under the lens of “they can’t help their behavior”, “we have to feel bad for them/treat them differently because they have something wrong with them”, and so forth.
We simply cannot tell if somebody is autistic through a single online post that involves only text. Not even a little bit. This is pathologizing behavior, plain and simple.
Autism has very, very specific diagnostic criteria and I find the criteria to be incredibly valid. Quick online searches that link unrelated behaviors to autism simply aren’t reliable. There are plenty of people on r/anticonsumption (an extremely large subreddit) who would likely refuse a gift just like OP did. Are they all autistic there? I don’t think so - not a little bit.
I don’t see any of my behaviors as specifically autistic or disordered - I see it as a difference that is both normal and distinct, even if there are patterns to my behavior. Even when I interact with or observe people diagnosed with autism who are open about their diagnosis, I don’t look at their behavior and see it as an abnormal product of their condition - something to be corrected or something that indicates that something is wrong with them.
The thing about autism is that yes, it can be inferred by clinical behavioral analysis, but the behaviors aren’t necessarily problematic, abnormal, or disordered. The treatment for autism is largely supporting the person diagnosed - not trying to change them, make them “normal”, or correct “disordered” behaviors. For example, masking can put significant stress on autistic individuals and cause them to experience burnout - which is the end result of trying to correct “disordered” behaviors.
None of those people were professionals from what we know. It wasn’t their place to speculate and vocalize this unsolicited, and even if no person meant to stigmatize OP and only intended to inform them with the best intentions - seeking help and diagnosis is a personal decision.
In many places, adult diagnosis is incredibly hard to initiate. It can cost anywhere from $1000-5500 dollars depending on the level of testing needed. Most people will have to travel for a diagnosis and will not have continuity of care between the person that diagnosed them and future providers. Testing can be emotionally exhaustive and invasive.
I’m somebody who sought help specifically for an adult autism diagnosis after I turned 18 and I encountered significant discrimination from my doctor, my therapist, and my psychologist. I was not led by any of them to testing or a diagnosis, really anything approaching it, when I specifically needed an evaluation for accommodations in college.
Not everybody will have a negative experience and awareness has only increased since then, but unless somebody expresses themselves that they need help or diagnosis - it’s not our business to push them to that. Not every professional is equal - there are just so few mental health professionals versed in adult autism that are also able to assess or lead somebody to assessment. Just as the role of trauma in distress is something that is often under-acknowledged in most mental healthcare, autism is as well - especially in undiagnosed adults, certain minorities, women, or high-masking individuals.
OP’s behavior does not suggest neurodivergence from what we can tell. Their birthday was ruined because they didn’t want to accept a gift they didn’t want, their spouse stormed out after arguing with them, and people are in the comments loosely saying OP is autistic, that they “should’ve just accepted the gift” and bit their tongue, that because they aren’t personally hurt and their spouse is - that’s all that matters, that they are “failing to understand” their spouse’s emotions when they demonstrated an ability to understand them enough to detail the events for us to understand from their perspective, and so forth.
It’s also not our business to analyze OP’s behaviors as being evidence of any disorder or neurodivergence, but we can infer their intentions and decision-making from what they wrote. It was entirely valid - demonstrating strong rationality. From what we know, they very likely did not intend on hurting their spouse. That is what matters and what their spouse needs to understand. We all can gracefully honor each other’s preferences and move on, even when we disappoint another after trying hard to please them.
Nah, it’s cool. They’re not the first person to tell me this.
Because I am autistic, have been through this myself, and game recognizes game. These are classic hallmarks of ASD. I appreciate that you care, but OP clearly needs to take the first step and seek a professional diagnosis, which could change their life for the better.
Care to provide a source for that? Gift-giving and receiving is cultural and people are free to not conform.
OP didn’t refuse the gift because they don’t understand feelings. They refused it because it was expensive, unnecessary, and replaced something they still preferred - and living together means they couldn’t pretend otherwise. That’s a practical decision, not a sign of autism.
Just running a web search for “ASD gift disappointment” gives a ton of articles, not necessarily the exact situation OP is in, but it’s enough to say that I think it’s a common thing.
Also, I think having difficulty conforming to a culture is another thing ASD folks have, no? It’s acceptable to not conform, of course, not saying otherwise.
It’s not an indicator of autism, full stop. OP is not having “difficulty” conforming to culture. OP received a gift that didn’t hit the mark - their spouse is free to try again and make it a nice gift for them.
OP can’t stealthily return it and there are likely financial considerations in addition to their personal preference of not wanting new things that directly replace things that they are content with.
OP’s spouse has preferences for gifts they will accept. Why is OP seen as being potentially diseased for also having them?
The way you say “potentially diseased” is pretty rude. That’s not how I view folks with ASD. All of this is because someone who has ASD and thought OP was going through something similar. I have ADHD. If I saw someone speaking about one of the pivotal moments that led to me getting a diagnosis I might say to them “have you may considered you have ADHD and sought a diagnosis?”
What else does saying somebody’s behavior is loosely abnormal and strongly pushing them to get professionally diagnosed really mean if not “potentially diseased”? They literally suggested that it may be autism, something they couldn’t possibly know about someone based on an online interaction.
I’m somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don’t believe that OP’s reaction and behavior fits in this instance.
That’s totally fair that you don’t think it fits, but I don’t think the other user was out of line for suggesting it might.
I feel that suggesting diagnosis is warranted if OP suggested that they might need that level of help and support, suspected autism themselves and was forward about that, or was otherwise having a difficulty commonly associated with the standard diagnostic criteria of autism e.g. OP was having sensory issues.
Neurodiversity is not disease and I do not appreciate that implication at all. Please educate yourself on the topic before you embarrass yourself and the rest of us further. This was profoundly ignorant and hurtful.
I explained my position very clearly below your comment, but I do believe you are pathologizing normal behavior as being diseased or disordered, yes. You are free to clarify your position and argue with mine here where it makes sense contextually: https://slrpnk.net/post/30279460/19186026 I provided reasoning both in the comment you chose to respond to and in others. Feel free to understand my position before mischaracterizing it.
Here are the specific quotes from me clarifying my position and understanding of neurodiversity: “I’m somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don’t believe that OP’s reaction and behavior fits in this instance.”
And: “Disclaimer: I am autistic myself and I am a neurodiversity advocate. My point here is not to criticize other autistic people, but to highlight that framing OP’s normal, context-driven behavior as evidence of a disorder is medicalizing and pathologizing something that is very likely ordinary and rational human behavior.”
I don’t block people. But you called autism “diseased” and there is no arguing your way back from that. Being on spectrum does not absolve you of being a toxic, hateful, ignorant bigot. You are welcome to your opinions and even to disagree, but what you have done here was deliberate, despicable, and antisocial. I hope you have a good day and learn to grow and do better, but I’ve tagged you as a warning to myself and won’t be responding to you again.
False. You responded well after I responded in detail to another commenter - you are projecting your behavior onto me (which I described very plainly and bluntly). Not accepting gifts in the way you approve of or find acceptable is not part of the diagnostic criteria of autism and the person did not solicit your online diagnosis and speculation in any way.
Edit: I’m specifically arguing that autism is a normal difference. My first comment in the thread I specifically argued against the notion that OP exhibited irregular behavior from another commenter.
My position has been consistent, but I did use “disease” terminology to describe what the poster above me (that I perceived as being pathologizing or stereotyping) was suggesting. The person I was responding to was free to clarify that they meant “disordered” specifically, but still saw OP’s behaviors as being very likely autistic. A careful eye would see I use disease and disorder terminology interchangeably in a very specific context and that I personally believe autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence. Many do not share my views on neurodiversity - and in retrospect I would’ve used “disorder”; which is consistent with the wording the poster I’m responding to used.
Never once have I suggested to another that something they do is autistic or even loosely abnormal - especially if they have not shared a diagnosis with me and weren’t asking me for help due to a specific difficulty they were going through.
I believe that what is considered normal behavior is something that is gatekept frequently by many, including those in the autism community. A great deal of people believe that autism is a profound deficit and some have argued to me online that neurodiversity is a harmful view on disabling conditions and disincentivizes people to get help - so I’m careful to reveal my views on this subject. I don’t think autism is a superpower like some and I recognize the struggle because I am on the spectrum. I want people to get the help they need.
I have personally been traumatized many times over by people suggesting I might have autism in inappropriate ways. It has felt like discrimination and likely was to some degree at times. It was at the very least stigmatizing. I want to be seen as normal and I want others to be encouraged to feel that way too. I did not use disease terminology to be a “toxic, hateful, ignorant bigot”. I did not intend on smearing the person above me in the chain, either.
The line between a disease and disorder is blurred, but disorder is more sensitive terminology even if I don’t personally see autism as a disease or a disorder and see both terminologies as equally as harmful - especially in this context. See this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disease#Disorder and the initial explanation of what is a disease here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disease
I just want to point out that it’s a very difficult for an adult to just go get an autism diagnosis. It is an incredibly expensive, scarce, and emotionally exhaustive process. If OP was specifically asking for advice on how to proceed with seeking an autism diagnosis because of relationship issues they personally identified to be likely due to their autism or neurodivergence, I would’ve had no issues with what occurred.
I believe autism or neurodivergence is something one personally identifies with. This ideally can happen with a well-intentioned mental health professional who has observed that person in great detail, understanding their development and functioning intimately - following diagnostic criteria to diagnose and sharing that diagnosis responsibly - not by just throwing around suspicions irresponsibly or stereotyping behaviors from brief online posts or non-clinical interaction.
Because this isn’t a regular behavior. Ignoring a potential abnormality will just complicate their life. They didn’t diagnose anyone, please learn to read.
FIFY: This isn’t a regular behavior in my experience.
There’s nothing abnormal about being not wanting to receive something that you don’t need, something that you specifically dislike, already have, or find excessive, or otherwise won’t enjoy or be able to fit into your experience.
https://www.cjonline.com/story/news/2024/12/27/returning-holiday-gifts-amazon-target-walmart-gift-return-policies/77262617007/
It’s clearly not abnormal for gifts to not hit the mark. OP isn’t going anywhere - their spouse is free to try giving them a gift again after understanding their preferences. If one intends on giving a gift to someone, why not also intend on having a desire and persistence to make it a really nice gift for them? What’s the point otherwise?
Even thoug the comment wasnt a direct diagnose its still unessecerly labeling. The explained situation could have multiple layers we cant possibly know of.