For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
Some families teach their kids that your ability to pick a gift directly equates to your value as a person.
Clearly her failure in this instance is more important to her than to you.
Whatever you do, try to help her feel valued.
Honestly, most people suck at giving gifts. Most people struggle to put themselves in someone else’s shoes
Your SO probably put real thought into the gift, and paid attention to you to come up with a good idea. And most people think new is better (although I’m with you). They think it’s sour grapes or something when you tell them how you enjoy the fact something has been with you for all this time, and how you’ve carefully repaired it over the years
So all in all, that’s a halfway well thought out gift. More effort than most people put into them, anyways. They were probably really excited and proud of themselves
I don’t know what to do with that information… Personally I’d probably accept the gift and leave it in the closet as a backup. I’m not sure if that’s better or not, but it would spread the experience out
Is the gift so expensive that you feel it necessary to reclaim the money? Would it feel as though something was missing if they hadn’t got you anything? It seems like the more appropriate choice in this situation might have been to accept the gift generously and simply not used it, or not used it often and continued to use the older item. Then, if asked about it, perhaps explained it at that point instead of making a point of explaining that you wanted to return the item and get the money for it.
This item sounds like it might be for a hobby.
An inviolate rule for gifts is you NEVER give a gift for someone’s hobby, unless they have specifically mentioned it. Then you buy EXACTLY what they tell you.
Case in point… I’m a former skydiver. It’s a sport full of extremely counterintuitive aspects. One of my brothers was in the army and did airborne training under round parachutes. He gifted me a set of paratrooper boots to use while skydiving…
It was a nice thought, but most of the time I’m running out a landing, not doing a PLF (Parachute Landing Fall). The boots were extremely tight around the ankles for support on landing under a round parachute. They were less than useless for jumping a ram air chute. They were in my closet for almost 20 years, before I decided it was time to make some space. Zero jumps and probably less than a few hours of wear, because they were just not comfortable, since they were designed to save your ankles landing under a T-10.
Yes, I informed my brother emphatically that I could not use that type of boot in sport skydiving, but typical of my family someone else knew better of what I was doing than I did.
It’s not about the item whatever it is, it’s about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn’t matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don’t want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.
I don’t know how you said it to your spouse but the way you’ve described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you’re saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it’s not something you’d use?
Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you’re difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You’re not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you’re likely the bad guy for how you’ve gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you’re not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that’s fine but you may need to acknowledge that you’ve hurt their feelings even if you didn’t realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn’t want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it’s far less important that your relationship with your spouse.
To piggy back off this one, because I liked it, I’d like to zoom in on the spouse’s reaction. Yes, it’s an expression of their love. But also, if they’re the sort of person that feels gift-giving is important, then they probably struggle with you being hard to buy for, because they want to get you something, because that’s how they demonstrate love and attention.
So probably they’ve been watching you, and they noticed you spend a lot of time with this item, and they thought if they got you a new or fancy version it would make for a great gift. They finally found something they know you’ll like! They’ll watch you open it, you’ll light up, and thank them for their keen insight, attention, and creativity. The perfect gift.
Obviously it didn’t go down that way, but I think in addition to just “rejecting their love”, I imagine there’s also a huge factor that is just shock and disappointment. They had high expectations, they were excited for the reveal, and what they got was so much worse than what they expected they just don’t even know what to do with this energy. They may even be a little embarrassed, both that they got you a bad gift, and at their misplaced excitement.
It’s just an emotional letdown for them, I imagine. Now depending on their emotional maturity, they may just need to collect themselves, realize this whole thing was their fault for getting their hopes up even though you’ve told them you’re not interested. They’ll realize you have good reasons to want to keep the old one, and that they overlooked the importance of it. And if they don’t have that level of mindfulness, then they may calm down, but they’ll still blame you fully.
Anyway, just wanted to point out what I expect the source of the “outsized”-feeling reaction might be. Acute, sudden onset, disappointment.
I’m going to go a different route with advice.
Once this all gets worked out, it might be worth considering a new rule with gifts: don’t gift things, gift experiences. Or alternatively, don’t gift permanent things, gift consumables.
If you gift someone a tool, appliance, dress, etc. then they will need to find space to store it, even if they don’t like it. But if you get them a bottle of wine, or a dinner, or a trip to the Bahamas, then if they don’t like it it won’t be there forever and they’ll likely have a nice story.
But that might not work with your relationship and I have no way of knowing. Just pitching the idea in case it’s a good fit for you
You make it clear that you don’t like new things. You really need to recognize that this makes it difficult for your loved ones to buy you gifts. I’m old enough that I generally don’t want anything for Christmas or my birthday. I have enough stuff. What I want is time to spend with the people I love. That doesn’t mean I refuse gifts or complain about them, because a gift means that someone saw something that made them think of you; and they bought it for you to celebrate your relationship. So even if it’s a bad gift, it’s coming from a good place.
Gonna leave this here, it’s worth a read:
One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.
You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I’m sure she would have been fine with that.
What I wouldn’t have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I “don’t like new things” or “I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine.” That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.
It wasn’t about the “thing”. It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they’re angry.
So I want to offer an alternative perspective.
I don’t know if OP is coming at if from the same place as me, but I’m broadly anti-consumerist. I prefer using the thing I have until it doesn’t work anymore. When it doesn’t work anymore, I prefer replacing it with something used when possible. If I get something new, I do a lot of research to find something durable and reliable that will last a long time.
There’s a moral aspect to it for me. Every new gadget or tchotchy burns in my mind as future trash, as the sum of all the energy and materials to make and fuel to transport and the resultant pollution. I recycle as much as possible, I limit my consumption as much as possible, when I do have things they are generally books or tools to help me otherwise limit my consumption.
When I get some kitschy thing as a gift, that I don’t need and took resources and generated waste to make, I feel like a vegan being gifted meat. No matter how well-intentioned the giver is, I feel implicated in something that is dirty to me. If you keep telling your family that you’re a vegan, and they keep gifting you meat, any warmth from their intent is dwarfed by the sting that they keep ignoring your wishes.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture. The nicest A5 Wagyu is not a nice gesture to someone who already told you they’re a vegan.
A nice gesture that’s focused on the validation of the giver, in clear violation of the stated wishes of the receiver, is not a nice gesture.
I think this is the heart of it. Really depends on OPs delivery, but if this was at least communicated, I can’t see how they wouldn’t see where OP was coming from too.
It’s so hard in this consumerist society to tell people sometimes it’s a better gesture not to wastefully buy things just to say you cared.
I completely agree and thank you for articulating it better than I. All my draft replies either read as mean-spirited or dismissive.
I think from a factual basis your position sounds perfectly reasonable, I feel similarly about new things. (Perhaps there are other parts of the story missing though?)
There’s a lot to be said for delivery. If you opened a gift an reacted badly immediately, that would hurt. Even if the gift was misjudged, it was probably meant with good intent. Accepting thankfully, acknowledging the intention, and THEN coming around to the “but you really should have checked in first for something like this” might be a good way to start.
You’re going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.
On the other hand, maybe it’s a misplaced attempt at maintaining their privacy?
100%
OP doesn’t even need to answer, the omission of this kinda indicates they potentially already know why
uhhhh isn’t it a new 3d printer? i thought it is? might be wrong
Nope.
Their partner got them their last 3d printer. Whatever this item is, the version they want to keep is something that came from their mother in law.
Oh you know what, you might be right. I read that part as a non sequitur
Wanting to return it seems hurtful to me. You could probably just use it later, could you not?
This reminds me of a family member doing this once and not getting why it hurt my other relative. They eventually apologized because they realized rejecting a nice gesture is a dick move. Don’t be a dick.
I have a pretty firm “just don’t get me any presents” rule. It’s taken some time to gain compliance with this rule. Similar to the shirt rule, I assume you gave some of those presents before being asked not to? Try the exact same approach that was used on you. Then you might have to reiterate it every once in a while.
My husband and I told family what we wanted for occasions was a gift in our name to charity X. We picked one each year that takes online donations and sends cards “Person donated to us in your name!” They went along the first two years, they didn’t donate the third year, and my husband and I stopped announcing charities after that and we all went along happily without gifting.
My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I’ve ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.
I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before “deciding” I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.
I think it’s god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.
For OP: This is one possible way to handle this situation, but it’s not the only reasonable one
Sounds like a relationship with a fair bit of conflict avoidance? I hope you have some good relief valves…
I mean… yeah. I’m not going to hang our laundry out, dirty or otherwise, but we have plenty of conflicts and sometimes it’s good to know what is worth fighting over and what isn’t. This wasn’t.
Fair! Definitely wouldn’t have complained, but I’m a different person :)
This guy knows.
So OP uses new printer to print stuff for the wife?
I don’t know if there’s anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate.
You might’ve missed this part because it was kinda buried there. I’m not telling OP what to do or judging. But I related to the feeling and shared what I did.
“You shouldn’t have, I appreciate that you noticed how much I use the old one, this is awesome.”
That’s the response that you should have used. I get where you’re coming from with the shirt comparison, but it’s not the same. YOU like nerd shirts, not everyone does. She gave you a better version of something you use on a regular basis.
Saying this gift is awesome sounds like a straight-up lie, given what OP wrote about their true feeling
Weasel wording around it, like acknowledging their thoughtfulness (as you say with “appreciate that you noticed how much I use it” without mentioning the gift’s downsides) seems like a really good option and I’d leave it at that, leaving options open to later discuss what to do with the instance of this object that has sentimental value attached. Hearing that question/thought (later, when not in the middle of a gift-giving ritual), the partner presumably realises the error without needing to be told and can warm up to the idea that this new one might not be what OP would prefer to keep
Nah, that’s nonsense. Sounds like the old one was sufficient, and had deeper meaning attached to it.
That’s true, but I don’t think that negates what was good intent. Plus we have no idea about delivery of the message from OP.
Agree, and I said as much in a separate comment. We also don’t know anything about the delivery of the gift giver, either though…
True. I guess good intent and delivery is generally assumed with a gift but not always there. It’s not implied in the post though.
There’s a lot of important context missing but on balance, with the bits we do have, I think OP probably could have handled it with more sensitivity.
I didn’t catch any deeper meaning other than “it worked for what I needed”.
"The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental. … it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. "
It’s right there in the OP
Your right, I got that mixed up with the 3d printer mentioned.
I think OP is saying that they have an old 3d printer that they made/love, and their spouse got them a new (better, nicer looking, but less sentimental) 3d printer.
