For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
(Quick aside, I don’t know all the details, so I use a lot of imprecise language to account for uncertainty.)
A very common reason that people like old things is that they are trying to be self sacrificial or frugal to save money. I’m not saying that’s why you are, but it’s important to realize. Your wife could very easily see you always doing this as you trying to be nice and save money for the family/pair of you rather than getting yourself something nice. I’m sort of like that. I have a weird aversion to spending money so don’t always get myself nice things.
Gifts can be given for a lot of different reasons. It’s sort of difficult to quantify why because it’s something emotional. Giving someone a gift card for something can feel better than giving money because it is more specific to their interests, and giving a specific gift is even moreso.
I think your spouse perhaps sees you every day surrounding yourself with things that they view as old and broken and maybe thinks you’re doing it because you don’t want to spend the money or treat yourself to something nice. So for a gift, they may have thought “for once, my spouse deserves something nice, I want them to have something nice and new.”
Then, when you say “I don’t like this, I like my old one” it hurts their feelings perhaps because they think you’re saying it’s a bad gift. They may have put a lot of thought into this expensive gift, maybe even thinking long and hard about what aspects about it you may use more. I think you said it’s a kitchen appliance in another comment? So I’ll assume it’s something like that, just to help explain. Say it’s something like a kitchen top mixer. Maybe they thought about the foods you make and the attachments and may have even thought about specific times you struggled with the older one (that despite working fine, maybe doesn’t have features some new ones have). If all of that is true, when you say it’s not a good gift, you could be saying all that thought and effort was incorrect.
Something frustrating about this is that there isn’t really a right answer. There’s not necessarily an objectively correct answer to whether they should’ve gotten you the gift and whether you were wrong to ask to return it and set a boundary about newer items as gifts. You two are in a relationship. Relationships are about compromise. You brought up the nerdy shirt thing as an example. It could be comparable, but it’s hard to say. If the shirt selection process is something like “my spouse likes superman and there is a superman shirt at the store, I’ll buy it” and their gift selection process is something like “my spouse uses this item nearly every day, this is how they use it, these are the things they struggle with, these are the features they would benefit from having, I’ll get them this one” then no, they aren’t comparable. (But, I don’t know everything, the thought process could’ve just been “let me go to an online store and pick the one with the best reviews” and nothing more.) I don’t wanna make assumptions and apply them, that’s part of why a lot of this is sort of vague and “if if if”, but it could very well be that they didn’t want the shirts in part because they know they won’t wear them and also because they may have thought you weren’t putting a lot of thought into them.
Every relationship is unique. We have to not only think about how we show love, but also how we’re willing to accept being loved. Gift giving is a love language. This gift may have been a very intimate and genuine expression of love from your spouse. Asking them to return it would hurt their feelings very badly. And it sounds like it did if they had to leave the house.
How did you feel when you agreed to not buy them nerdy shirts? Was it just sort of like “okay, I can do that” or was it devastating? Thinking about compromising and how we both show love and accept love, it might not be comparable. If nerdy shirts bother them but you not being able to give them doesn’t upset you, then that’s a win, right? No downside. But if you not wanting something new upsets you and it also really upsets your spouse not being able to give them, then it’s complicated. And whether or not you should accept the gift isn’t really the point I’m making in this moment, I’m just trying to help explain why this situation may not be as comparable to the shirt scenario, despite seeming like it is.
My gut feeling to all of this is that you should just accept gifts. That was how I was raised. Maybe it’s just considered a polite thing because of the culture of where I live (southeast US). But that moment is past. You can’t go back to how you reacted when you opened it so it’s no use talking about. What has happened is that your spouse’s feelings are hurt and you hurt them. It doesn’t matter who is in the right at this moment, what matters is that you hurt them. You need to apologize for hurting their feelings. Try to understand their feelings and apologize for the things you did that hurt them. Don’t provide explanations or defend yourself, because apologies aren’t about who is right and wrong, they’re about who is hurt.
In general, I think asking someone if you can return their gift is pretty rude. I always try to include a gift receipt in case people want to, but getting told to my face “I returned your gift because I didn’t like it” would be upsetting.
I definitely think discussing some new boundaries after this are in order. Not necessarily because either of you did anything wrong (because I also want to give you the benefit of the doubt that this gift may have upset you too), but because this situation led to a scenario where both of you got really upset. Maybe a cash limit on gifts? Maybe gifts over that limit you discuss together? “Honey, you always use that old mixer, and you deserve a new one, I want to get you one.” “No, but thank you, I like this because X and Y.” Or, if the surprise aspect is important to your spouse and they really don’t want to ruin it, maybe you can agree on no gifts over a certain price that are replacements for things you already have? And that if she gets it wrong, you still accept the gift maybe? Maybe you both agree to talk about gifts over that price limit prior to purchase?
Relationships and love can be difficult things. But communication is key. Apologizing is key. Apologize for hurting their feelings without defending your actions or explaining yourself. Once they feel better, talk about what the new boundaries might look like.
Just for the record, I’m going insane wondering what the thing is.
Expensive kitchen appliance. I don’t think the specifics are relevant.
Sort of relevant, the post made it sound like it might be a 3d printer. You can have two prints going on at once with two 3d printers.
It’s about this long.
You may be autistic and should get properly diagnosed. I am not joking. Your spouse was trying to do a nice thing for you and maybe even liked the idea of you using something they got you all the time the way you use your current one. Given how you form emotional attachments to old and familiar things and given how you don’t understand your spouse’s hurt, you are very likely on spectrum. Being diagnosed will help give you the tools to better interact with others, and will help those close to you — like your spouse — know how to relate to you more effectively.
You’re not the first person to say this.
In that case, here’s a plausable explanation that might resonate:
Gifts are a social contract. They are tendering their time, effort, and feelings for you to pick something to make you happy. If they misjudge you and you care about their happiness, thank them, hug them, make them feel special, then make sure you have a gift list available to them next time. This could be a Pinterest board, or anything. Focus on things you’d consider acceptable, even though they’re new. Also, DON’T GIVE THEM THAT LIST RIGHT NOW. In fact, wait until black Friday and tell them you have trouble picking out gifts for them, and ask if they could make a list, and can then, hopefully, safely exchange lists.
Your spouse put a lot of time and strong feelings into picking you birthday a gift. They formed an emotional attachment to this process/gift expecting to make you happy. Perhaps they feel like they don’t get you good gifts, perhaps the price of the item itself was a hardship that they decided to bear on your behalf to make them feel proud, or maybe they feel like you’re too good at getting them gifts. Perhaps you’re extremely hard to shop for since finding you used, repairable items that you’ll appreciate is an insurmountably difficult task from the outside. In any case, they felt that they had done a good job and probably had a solid sigh of relief for figuring something out.
They wrap it, feeling excitement, wanting you to be happy. They hand it over to you. You appear disappointed and want to return it. Even if you put on a good face at the time and later mentioned returning it, All that excitement, pride, and serotonin they had is now instantly gone. They feel awful for not understanding you.
Embarrasment + Shame + Sadness will make some awful anger.
Pick your battles. Someone giving you something nice that you don’t love for your own reasons is rarely a battle worth having. Accept it with grace and admiration for them. Make them as happy as they’re trying to make you.
edit:
also to cover
I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things
While not entirely incorrect here, they are adjacent, but gifting clothes is another type of social contract with some messy implied stipulations. You give it to them, they feel obligated to wear the clothes and that usually comes with public-facing consequences. Self-image is quite fragile in the face of others.
I keep a collection of nerdy t-shirt logos from t-shirt sites all over the net in an image account and my wife has access to it. She can get me anything from there in my size in any form of clothing and I’d gladly accept it and be overjoyed and wear it all without worry.
Your post is like something I could have written, right down to repairing old things and loving them because you breathed new life into them, and because they are familiar, reliable, and comforting. Getting diagnosed opens a world of support and understanding, and I cannot encourage you enough to pursue it. Do it for your marriage and your own happiness. Even if it’s not ASD, a diagnosis helps more than you might initially think.
I’m not alone! Lol.
Yeah, I’ve said elsewhere but you’re not the first person to tell me this.
You’re not! This internet stranger is rooting for you!
Yeah. That was so clear (IMO) that It didn’t even occur to me that this person may not already know.
Even if OP is autistic, it is still an issue that I can see being a problem. OP and his in laws have fundamentally different ideas on what good gifts are. Also, OP has shown an ability to interpret emotions being displayed, possibly better than the neurotypical family members.
Unnecessary, uncool. Why try to label someone why you don’t know, and obviously don’t have the credentials to diagnose?
Nah, it’s cool. They’re not the first person to tell me this.
I mean they did say “you may be…” and then followed it up with advice to talk to a professional. I don’t think there was an attempt to diagnose here, even though I don’t agree with how the comment was worded. Personally, I think everyone should get tested to see what neuroatypicalities they have.
Not following the impersonal and casual, episodic/event-based gift-giving culture we have here in the west to the T isn’t evidence of disease.
I agree, and nowhere does the person say it is.
BlameTheAntifa: Because I am autistic, have been through this myself, and game recognizes game. These are classic hallmarks of ASD. I appreciate that you care, but OP clearly needs to take the first step and seek a professional diagnosis, which could change their life for the better.
Strongly suggesting that OP’s behavior fits the “classic hallmarks of ASD”, appealing to their own diagnosis of autism by saying “game recognizes game”, and suggesting that they need to seek professional diagnosis and “take the first step” is basically suggesting that OP’s behavior is diseased or disordered. You are free to disagree.
Disclaimer: I am autistic myself and I am a neurodiversity advocate. My point here is not to criticize other autistic people, but to highlight that framing OP’s normal, context-driven behavior as evidence of a disorder is medicalizing and pathologizing something that is very likely ordinary and rational human behavior.
I understand where you’re coming from, but I’ll still disagree that the commentator was using anything as evidence. It was merely used as a suggestion. ASD is a neurodevelopmental disorder and shows up through behaviour and it does not hurt to get tested. For example, I have MDD. If I describe a one-time occurrence of my symptoms, it’s easy to chalk it up to ordinary behaviour. The issue is that it is a persistent and repetitive behavior that doesn’t go away. The OP has replied and posted that other people in their life have suggested they get tested and they’re not surprised to hear this. That suggests persistent and repetitive behaviour that suggests neurodivergence. I will repeat that it does not hurt to get tested. If OP gets tested and is not on the spectrum, great. If they get tested and they are on the spectrum, also great, it’s probably better that they know.
I suggest you re-read the quote in the comment you just replied to. It’s totally fine if we disagree, but I strongly believe that this is pathologizing behavior and even if it didn’t cause harm this time - it very well could with another person they suggest they might have autism to.
Here is evidence of the person in question’s behavior causing or leading to some level of stigmatization: https://slrpnk.net/post/30279460/19178188
“Because this isn’t a regular behavior. Ignoring a potential abnormality will just complicate their life. They didn’t diagnose anyone, please learn to read.”
I’ve been told that I’m likely on the spectrum or autistic in many different ways by people who believe they know what they’re talking about and it’s hurt me and my self-image greatly. This has been accompanied by discrimination, of course stigmatization - people seeing everything I do under the lens of “they can’t help their behavior”, “we have to feel bad for them/treat them differently because they have something wrong with them”, and so forth.
We simply cannot tell if somebody is autistic through a single online post that involves only text. Not even a little bit. This is pathologizing behavior, plain and simple.
ASD is a neurodevelopmental disorder and shows up through behaviour and it does not hurt to get tested.
Autism has very, very specific diagnostic criteria and I find the criteria to be incredibly valid. Quick online searches that link unrelated behaviors to autism simply aren’t reliable. There are plenty of people on r/anticonsumption (an extremely large subreddit) who would likely refuse a gift just like OP did. Are they all autistic there? I don’t think so - not a little bit.
I don’t see any of my behaviors as specifically autistic or disordered - I see it as a difference that is both normal and distinct, even if there are patterns to my behavior. Even when I interact with or observe people diagnosed with autism who are open about their diagnosis, I don’t look at their behavior and see it as an abnormal product of their condition - something to be corrected or something that indicates that something is wrong with them.
The thing about autism is that yes, it can be inferred by clinical behavioral analysis, but the behaviors aren’t necessarily problematic, abnormal, or disordered. The treatment for autism is largely supporting the person diagnosed - not trying to change them, make them “normal”, or correct “disordered” behaviors. For example, masking can put significant stress on autistic individuals and cause them to experience burnout - which is the end result of trying to correct “disordered” behaviors.
The OP has replied and posted that other people in their life have suggested they get tested and they’re not surprised to hear this. That suggests persistent and repetitive behaviour that suggests neurodivergence.
None of those people were professionals from what we know. It wasn’t their place to speculate and vocalize this unsolicited, and even if no person meant to stigmatize OP and only intended to inform them with the best intentions - seeking help and diagnosis is a personal decision.
In many places, adult diagnosis is incredibly hard to initiate. It can cost anywhere from $1000-5500 dollars depending on the level of testing needed. Most people will have to travel for a diagnosis and will not have continuity of care between the person that diagnosed them and future providers. Testing can be emotionally exhaustive and invasive.
I will repeat that it does not hurt to get tested.
I’m somebody who sought help specifically for an adult autism diagnosis after I turned 18 and I encountered significant discrimination from my doctor, my therapist, and my psychologist. I was not led by any of them to testing or a diagnosis, really anything approaching it, when I specifically needed an evaluation for accommodations in college.
Not everybody will have a negative experience and awareness has only increased since then, but unless somebody expresses themselves that they need help or diagnosis - it’s not our business to push them to that. Not every professional is equal - there are just so few mental health professionals versed in adult autism that are also able to assess or lead somebody to assessment. Just as the role of trauma in distress is something that is often under-acknowledged in most mental healthcare, autism is as well - especially in undiagnosed adults, certain minorities, women, or high-masking individuals.
OP’s behavior does not suggest neurodivergence from what we can tell. Their birthday was ruined because they didn’t want to accept a gift they didn’t want, their spouse stormed out after arguing with them, and people are in the comments loosely saying OP is autistic, that they “should’ve just accepted the gift” and bit their tongue, that because they aren’t personally hurt and their spouse is - that’s all that matters, that they are “failing to understand” their spouse’s emotions when they demonstrated an ability to understand them enough to detail the events for us to understand from their perspective, and so forth.
It’s also not our business to analyze OP’s behaviors as being evidence of any disorder or neurodivergence, but we can infer their intentions and decision-making from what they wrote. It was entirely valid - demonstrating strong rationality. From what we know, they very likely did not intend on hurting their spouse. That is what matters and what their spouse needs to understand. We all can gracefully honor each other’s preferences and move on, even when we disappoint another after trying hard to please them.
Because I am autistic, have been through this myself, and game recognizes game. These are classic hallmarks of ASD. I appreciate that you care, but OP clearly needs to take the first step and seek a professional diagnosis, which could change their life for the better.
These are classic hallmarks of ASD.
Care to provide a source for that? Gift-giving and receiving is cultural and people are free to not conform.
OP didn’t refuse the gift because they don’t understand feelings. They refused it because it was expensive, unnecessary, and replaced something they still preferred - and living together means they couldn’t pretend otherwise. That’s a practical decision, not a sign of autism.
Just running a web search for “ASD gift disappointment” gives a ton of articles, not necessarily the exact situation OP is in, but it’s enough to say that I think it’s a common thing.
Also, I think having difficulty conforming to a culture is another thing ASD folks have, no? It’s acceptable to not conform, of course, not saying otherwise.
It’s not an indicator of autism, full stop. OP is not having “difficulty” conforming to culture. OP received a gift that didn’t hit the mark - their spouse is free to try again and make it a nice gift for them.
OP can’t stealthily return it and there are likely financial considerations in addition to their personal preference of not wanting new things that directly replace things that they are content with.
OP’s spouse has preferences for gifts they will accept. Why is OP seen as being potentially diseased for also having them?
The way you say “potentially diseased” is pretty rude. That’s not how I view folks with ASD. All of this is because someone who has ASD and thought OP was going through something similar. I have ADHD. If I saw someone speaking about one of the pivotal moments that led to me getting a diagnosis I might say to them “have you may considered you have ADHD and sought a diagnosis?”
The way you say “potentially diseased” is pretty rude.
What else does saying somebody’s behavior is loosely abnormal and strongly pushing them to get professionally diagnosed really mean if not “potentially diseased”? They literally suggested that it may be autism, something they couldn’t possibly know about someone based on an online interaction.
I’m somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don’t believe that OP’s reaction and behavior fits in this instance.
Neurodiversity is not disease and I do not appreciate that implication at all. Please educate yourself on the topic before you embarrass yourself and the rest of us further. This was profoundly ignorant and hurtful.
I explained my position very clearly below your comment, but I do believe you are pathologizing normal behavior as being diseased or disordered, yes. You are free to clarify your position and argue with mine here where it makes sense contextually: https://slrpnk.net/post/30279460/19186026 I provided reasoning both in the comment you chose to respond to and in others. Feel free to understand my position before mischaracterizing it.
Here are the specific quotes from me clarifying my position and understanding of neurodiversity: “I’m somebody who is on the spectrum too and I personally believe that autism is a normal difference or neurodivergence - with specific qualities, associated challenges, and diagnostic criteria. I don’t believe that OP’s reaction and behavior fits in this instance.”
And: “Disclaimer: I am autistic myself and I am a neurodiversity advocate. My point here is not to criticize other autistic people, but to highlight that framing OP’s normal, context-driven behavior as evidence of a disorder is medicalizing and pathologizing something that is very likely ordinary and rational human behavior.”
Because this isn’t a regular behavior. Ignoring a potential abnormality will just complicate their life. They didn’t diagnose anyone, please learn to read.
FIFY: This isn’t a regular behavior in my experience.
Because this isn’t a regular behavior.
There’s nothing abnormal about being not wanting to receive something that you don’t need, something that you specifically dislike, already have, or find excessive, or otherwise won’t enjoy or be able to fit into your experience.
It’s clearly not abnormal for gifts to not hit the mark. OP isn’t going anywhere - their spouse is free to try giving them a gift again after understanding their preferences. If one intends on giving a gift to someone, why not also intend on having a desire and persistence to make it a really nice gift for them? What’s the point otherwise?
Even thoug the comment wasnt a direct diagnose its still unessecerly labeling. The explained situation could have multiple layers we cant possibly know of.
You need to have a conversation regarding the feelings surrounding this with your spouse and what each others’ love language is.
It sounds like part of your spouse’s love language is gift giving, which may be why your rejection of their gifts hurts so much. You may view it as rejecting an object, they may view it as you rejecting their love.
I expect this to be a hard conversation, in part because it is a discussion on how you love each other.
I thought this community was a half sarcastic knockoff of the reddit equivalent sub, didn’t actually expect to see a serious post lol.
EDIT: For your own sanity, please take the advice here with a grain of salt
I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.
The sentence that finally got us on the same page:
“I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don’t necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise.”
This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
I couldn’t agree more. A cute little toy or gadget? Sure, surprise me. New laptop, car, washing machine, furniture? What the fuck, why would you surprise someone with that, if I’m to use it I want a say in what kind it is and that we didn’t waste money on bullshit. It’s not even that I don’t trust others, just that I feel left out. A simple “hey, the washing machine broke, I found a good one and I think ill buy it” is enough.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
This part is important. I touched in it a little in my comment to OP as well, but it’s easy to forget that a relationship is not only about how you show love, but how you accept it. I’m glad you’re able to accept some surprises and I’m glad your partner has accepted that not everything should be a surprise. It’s a good compromise!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Seriously though, this is a pretty good rule. I may have to talk to my spouse about doing something similar.
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Haha. That is the perfect example. Just seeing those commercials makes me feel uneasy.
Haha, you and me both. I don’t have too much trouble with surprises, but I think those commercials are super weird and out of touch too. Maybe it’s a class thing, since I don’t know anyone who has ever given a brand new car as a gift. Shrug.
If a gift is given with expectations its not a gift, its a trade you didnt agree to. You have to be able to deny the gift. Maybe you should talk about expectations and preference.
You’re getting down voted but it honestly feels like this sometimes. I’ve also heard the phrase covert contract. Essentially if you don’t react properly, you’re punished. It’s happened my whole life.
There’s nothing wrong with being true to yourself and reacting honestly. You didn’t intend on ruining the day or hurting their feelings, right?
Respectfully, what contract do you think this gift represented? What do you think you’d be getting out of by not accepting it?
Is OP supposed to lie and act like they enjoy the gift when in reality they don’t for you to see their behavior as normal? What is the expected normal reaction in your mind?
I asked what the contract is, not what the reaction should be, or are you saying you’d say the contract is the reaction?
Forming an emotional, but unspoken attachment to the person receiving the gift enjoying it and gladly accepting it is the covert contract. The punishment is being upset because OP doesn’t want it or like it and them insisting that they keep the gift.
This is OP’s spouse, not a stranger. They can’t politely accept the gift and hide that they don’t enjoy or want that gift without deception.
If you made it clear you do not like new things I don’t know why your spouse thought this would be different. And then on top of it to need to leave the house to cool off (which that itself is fine, but feeling so strongly about it isn’t imo) something feels off.
If I knew my partner didn’t like new stuff, and I got her new stuff anyway, I wouldn’t take it personally and get very upset about it. Did you talk to your spouse about it yet? Clearly there’s a disconnect somewhere but you did nothing wrong by saying you want to return it. Hell, it’s not like you returned it already and used that money to buy something else. Or pretended to like it but return it in secret. You’re being very open and honest and communicative about your feelings which is good.
Idk, feels like a pretty big overreaction on your spouses part that warrants a conversation.
It’s time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It’s more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don’t is both your fault.
No one is suffering here (imo) so that’s a great success.
If no one did anything wrong, then why am I being punished for it? Sigh.
Because we are emotional beings, because nobody is perfect, and because angry people (presumably, both of you) say things they otherwise would not say.
Are you being punished or are you feeling punished. This is a point you should talk about with your s.o
I’ve been dating the same girl for 16 yrs now and she finally understood how important the word “i am sorry” are to me. Is it her fault? Nah is it mine? I don’t think so, because i’m pretty sure i stated it clearly multiple time. Is there really a need for someone to be at fault?
Your s.o anger might not be directed toward you, but more toward the situation, which your are part of.
Being punished or feeling punished?
I’m getting the silent treatment.
I do also feel bad for making them upset. So maybe both.
My S.O. : maybe they feel their good intention weren’t aknowledged? So that’s why they are hurting. It’s important for you to respect your values, but maybe in the process they felt their emotions were discarded by wanting to return the gift.
Me: To be frank, i don’t know :) i don’t know because i’m not you and it’s not my situation. I do know there are no easy statement which will make it all disapear. I also know love hurt sometime, but this suffering is the proof of your love. So take your time, and talk it out. I wish you the best op.
P.s. My s.o is autistic, and she has tendecies to shutdown when she’s upset. Maybe a shutdown instead of the silent treatment, you know your s.o best, but i want you to know Silent treatment is a form of abuse.
You have to explain why in a much clearer way.
Explain that you do appreciate it. Explain that if you hadn’t had the prior thing you probably would have loved it. But now, it’s a change, and it’s a big change, in several ways, including the nostalgia factor, and you absolutely appreciate that this thing is newer and more expensive but it doesn’t YET make sense for you to make the change and because of that you don’t want to make the change.
And because of that, it will just be sitting unused and you don’t like the idea of it sitting unused.
It felt bad to you to not use a gift.
And that, wanting to keep what you have, not wanting a change, and not wanting it to sit unused, is why you suggested a return, and not because you don’t appreciate it.
I think you’ll have to explain the “not wanting change” bit the most, by explaining why you feel that way. Maybe try finding a similar comparison. Imagine you’d gift them expensive jewelry or clothes they feel they couldn’t ever wear, maybe something they couldn’t wear together with their favorite clothing. A bag that would only sit in a closet. A tool that does more, but is heavier or whatever. Whatever that feels relevant to them, that makes them understand why you feel like you don’t want to make the change, not yet.
How should you have initially responded? Hard to say without knowing the people around you, but I’d say it would’ve been safe to say something like “oh, I don’t know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it’s got so many years left”
In other words, tell her that the gift was indeed great and that there’s wrong with the gift except timing, and emphasize you do not fault her for anything, you’re happy she thought of it, you’re sorry your reaction made her feel bad, you should’ve communicated better, and you’ll make a change to communicate better.
Perhaps even say something like “I probably should’ve told you I wanted to use this current thing for much longer, I should’ve explained more about how I think about these things and how I plan”. Because your initial response sucked honestly, and you need to make sure your phrasing don’t make her feel she made a mistake.
If she really likes being able to give you gifts, and if she now feels uncertain about being able to give you future gifts (this is very likely, by the way!), you should consider implementing that “communicating better” thing - for example (you don’t need to do it exactly like this, IT’S AN EXAMPLE) by maintaining and sharing a list of your existing things plus a wishlist, with details like “don’t replace before” and “replace no later than” and “required specs: XYZ”. And if she likes feeling like she can put her own touch on it, DO NOT present it as “do exactly this”, but rather “you can take inspiration from this”.
oh, I don’t know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it’s got so many years left
That’s awesome wording.
This whole comment is amazing. Thank you so much.
I understand why both of you might be upset but they will eventually understand why it wasn’t the best gift idea for you and all will be fine. Those things happen, don’t interpret so much into it. It might not be as obvious to them as you think it should be that you don’t like new things. Talk about it in a respectful way, they wanted to do something nice for you after all.
Yep, this sort of situation is common, and definitely not any sort of crazy, relationship-ending drama (OP you shouldn’t entertain any of the classic reddit-esque “Delete facebook, hit the gym, get a lawyer” type of “impending divorce” comments). However, it could definitely benefit from them sitting down together and having clear purposeful communication all about this issue, each of their feelings, their expectations vs reality, etc. So everyone can get on the same page, understand that neither of them intended to hurt the other, and neither of them necessarily “did something wrong,” etc. In most of these relationship arguments, there is no “you are wrong, I am right” or “you are the one that did something wrong, and must apologize.” It’s almost always justa miscommunication that sets off a bunch of emotions, because one or the other (or both) are not aware of the intentions of the other person, or misunderstood something and made the wrong assumptions/conclusions. Talking it out is always the best way to move forward.
I know “love languages” is mostly pseudoscience, but it’s not wrong in that different personalities with different upbringings/backgrounds, all have different preferences in how they like to be shown love and affection, and how they like to show others love and affection. Often the second (how to show affection to others) ends up just being a projection of the first (i.e. “This is how I like to be shown affection, so I will do the same to show my affection to others, since they must appreciate it in the same way I do.”).
A few things for OP to consider in this situation:
- A nicer, newer version of an old, worn-out item that someone uses all the time and really likes, is a VERY common gift. It’s a gift that people often give to show their loved ones that they really care and also that they pay attention to what is important to them. It’s a way to show they aren’t just “phoning it in” with a generic gift, but instead getting them something they know they’ll put to good use and appreciate since they pay attention to their current “favorites” or interests, and thus the gift is meaningful in that way.
- OP’s spouse likely appreciates gifts like that (a lot of people would), and would feel great receiving something like that from a loved one. So they projected that same preference onto OP, and based on that assumption, came into the situation with the expectation that OP would love the gift, and likely see it in the same way they themselves do - a thoughtful gift that really showed they care and put thought into something they knew their spouse would appreciate.
- When OP didn’t immediately thank their spouse for such a thoughtful, heartfelt gift, the spouse’s expectations were likely crushed. And they likely felt very hurt. Not just that OP didn’t like the gift, but didn’t even acknowledge all the thought and effort OP’s spouse likely put into it. So it’s not just “They didn’t like my gift” but it’s also more importantly “They totally ignored and disregarded all my love and care and effort I put into something that was done just for them.” This sort of immediate crushed expectations can cause someone to suddenly lash out or feel very hurt without the ability to step back and calmly take in the situation and context. It will be hard for them to have a proper discussion with so many emotions and confusion in the situation. OP’s spouse will need a bit of time, and then hopefully they can talk about it.
- OP should likely offer to sit down and talk it out with their spouse. “Hey I know you were really upset about my reaction to your gift, and I’d like to sit down and calmly talk all about it.”
OP should likely avoid just focusing on “You know I don’t like new things, you know I like repairing old things, you know I found the original one from your mother to be sentimental, etc.” OP can, and should, broach some of the above for sure, but introduce it with things like “I know that you put a lot of thought and care into your gift, and it showed that you really pay attention to my interests and what sort of things I am into and what items I put to good use. Your gift was definitely very thoughtful, and I apologize that my reaction seemed to discount that thoughtfulness entirely.” and that’s when OP can remind their spouse, “…but you know how I much prefer older things that I can keep repairing, and keep for sentimental value. This is part of me that defines my preferences and wants vastly more than the function of the thing itself. So while I am appreciative of your thoughtfulness for getting me a version of ‘said thing’ that functions in the same way but is new and in better shape, that is the reason I still feel like the gift doesn’t quite hit the mark for what is important to me… because the age and sentimentality of my current one is extremely important to me, and I felt like you ignored that part of me when putting a lot of thought into the other aspects.” - Hopefully through talking it out, OP and spouse can realize they have different wants and expectations when it comes to gift giving, and overall how to show and receive affection amongst themselves, and keeping that communication open by reminding each other not to fall back on old assumptions. OP will likely want to make sure they are also considering the same when giving gifts to their spouse in the future. In fact…
- This conversation is a good time to broach that topic as well, in case OP’s spouse has been disappointed by OP’s gift giving in the past, but has been bottling it up instead of saying something about it. I mean, OP promised to stop giving them Nerdy T-Shirts, but what are the gifts now? Because if Nerdy T-shirts was the default, it might not be getting much more “thoughtful” after that (at least in their spouse’s opinion). That could also explain the sudden emotional spike and argument outside of simple crushed expectations, if the spouse’s anger was not just about OP not liking their gift, but the fact they have never received a good gift from OP either. “You never give me thoughtful gifts, and even worse, when I give you a very thoughtful gift, you have no reaction other than lack of caring!!! Why am I even trying?!?!” In fact, if OP’s spouse was indeed bottling up that sort of disappointment, they may have been (consciously or subconsciously) using this gift, not only as a way to show OP they truly care by getting something specific to their interests/hobbies/etc., but also as a subtle hint to show OP the kinds of thoughtful gifts they would like as well. So when OP totally disregarded the gift, OP’s spouse probably felt (1) crushed expectations causing their giddiness and anticipation to fall off a cliff to a deep pit in their gut, (2) hurt by the lack of acknowledgement for all the thought they put into something they felt was selfless and caring, dedicated solely to their partner, and (3) hopeless that OP would ever understand what a “good gift” is (in their opinion), and thus hopeless their message will ever get through OP’s head. If this is the case, OP’s spouse should probably just be open and communicate about their disappointment, and not use gifts they give as subtle hints to gifts they would like to receive, and hope the other person picks up on it. Especially if in doing so, they are perpetuating the same issue of giving their partner gifts that are “good for themself” as a “gift that would be good for their partner.”
This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.
I have this feeling on Lemmy a lot
People keep telling me this in many situations. Sigh.
So…i hate to add to it…but my husband is mildly autistic and we’ve had this exact conflict with gift giving early in our marriage.
He sees the act of gift giving very logically and practically, which is perfectly fine, but i didnt really understand this early on in our relationship. We eventually sat down, talked about how we each felt, and it clicked that we had a disconnect on the social/emotional layer of gift giving. I saw and felt that gift giving was more of an act of showing the other person they crossed your mind; a display of emotion. On the other hand, my husband saw and felt gift giving was more about making sure the item is exactly what the other person wants, including if that item is “nothing”; logical, literal, and practical.
Sit down together and talk. Use “I” statements, keep calm voices, and dont interrupt. The goal is to express how you feel, listen to how they feel, and work together to help each other understand both perspectives.
Sigh. I’ve tried this with them. It doesn’t work. We need therapy.
Ill be honest, i agree that therapy may be needed, here.
Ive tried this with them. It doesnt work.
Im not a therapist, so take this with a grain of salt, but this is concerning to hear for me. It gives me the impression you might be closed off to your role in the conflict and the effort your spouse is putting in to understand your side (assuming there is effort to talk in any way). Talking together as a couple isnt a “Im trying”, its a “We’re trying.” “We” coming from the recognition that both sides are trying to understand the other even if resolution hasnt been found yet. Dont approach it as a “talk with them”, theyre not a dependent that needs a lecture, but rather as a “talk together” where both sides are actively heard and recognized regardless of if the other agrees. The goal is to understand the other, not necessarily to make your side heard. Once you both understand the other persons perspective, it becomes easier to find the disconnect or middle ground.
Declaring “it doesnt work” isnt trying to understand the other, its shutting things down and wont solve anything anytime soon.
And that is the first, and so far only, comment you engage with.
Because the reply is simple. The other ones require thought and energy.
They can go fuck themselves if they aren’t going to explain that. Being autistic isn’t a god damned reason for you to be insulted.
You might be autistic and don’t know it. Any of us might be.
That person is a piece of shit for treating autism like it’s a slur. And also shitting all over your clear attempt to try to understand this situation.
I would be pissed if someone did that to me and then makes me out to be some villain because they fucked up on their gift.
I didn’t say it as a slur. The fact that you took it that way says more about you than me. The situation described is textbook autistic behavior.
I didn’t take it as a slur
You didn’t explain it or provide any additional context. You used it exactly as it has been used, word for word, as is used when it’s being used as a slur.
I was clear to say without an explanation it is a slur.
I’m not feeling insulted. Moreso just recognized. I don’t think autism is an insult.
It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any “new” item.
Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?
It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.
It’s also pretty shitty to be told that thing you love sucks take this version they think is better and you HAVE to like it
That’s a pretty extreme interpretation of being given a gift…
You aren’t even OP… Are you OK?
It’s not just any person giving a gift or the giving of a random gift. This is specific to this particular gift, in this particular scenario, to this particular person who explained thoroughly why this was not a good gift to give at all. I’m giving OP benefit if the doubt that their recommendation was doing and should have been understood by their spouse without judgment. As presented, it could easily be misrepresented, but I’m taking it as is for objectivity
A hyperbole (pronounced “hy-per-buh-lee”) is a literary device that uses extreme exaggeration to create strong emphasis
I’m fine, perhaps I went a little too overboard, but it was intending hyperbole to make clear the point I was arguing from, which was that the spouse hurt OP and is being made it as a villain for it
Perhaps I misunderstood this literary device or how to use it, but now you know what I was attempting, I’ll consider an edit if you want to play Editor for a minute
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same.
This point stood out to me. I’m assuming that you verbally established a “no nerdy t-shirts” rule, but did not verbally establish the “no new items” rule. If it was only implied, or you felt it was obvious to not buy you new gifts, but did not explicitly establish that rule like you did for the t-shirts, then it is not the same. Neither of you are bad or wrong for the moscommunication, but this is a great opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about gift expectations for each other.
Why should they get to be upset about it because it’s a gift, yet the item being replaced with not something similar in style but different, but a literally new version of beloved gift, is supposed to be discarded without any thought about that gift.
Like what the hell is that logic. That gift you love and use all the time without ever mentioning a problem with is not good enough for my liking, replace it with MY version of it or you will hurt my feelings and that majes YOU a bad person for my feelings getting hurt.
Sorry but f that logic say I’m sorry I didnt know it meant so much to you.
They should be made to answer, in front of the mother in law, why and how the perfectly loved and valued watch needed to be replaced
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Do you care about the person you want to give a gift to? Do you trust and believe that they love you and them disliking a gift isn’t an indicator that they dislike you? Then humbly accept that your gift wasn’t the right one, and work together with them to find something they would prefer instead.
It isn’t difficult if you just talk with each other. Sometimes people pick bad gifts. Sometimes people are sentimentally attached to items. Sometimes people are very practical and have a “if it isn’t broken, it doesn’t need to be replaced/fixed” mentality that supercedes other considerations. Me, I have the opposite extreme. Even if a gift I receive is nothing something I have any intention of using, I feel obligated to find a space and use for it as a show of appreciation to the person that gifted it to me, because I wasnt owed the gift in the first place and I have gratitude they were thinking of me. That can be (is) unhealthy in an entirely different way.
But even if you think a gift is dumb and wrong and it’s an insult that they even gave it to you, if you love that person you swallow that pride and let them know you appreciate what they were trying to do but that they got it wrong this time. This can be done gently instead of coldly. And I am not saying OP had done it coldly, maybe the gift giving partner has insecurities they need to deal with. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. Understanding why the gift giving partner would be upset that their gift was snubbed only takes a hint of empathy to understand, though. On the other hand, it’s also easy to understand why the receiver would be confused why the gift was chosen in the first place, with the information provided. Both are missreading each other on different points.
Do you care about the person that gave the gift? Do you trust and believe that they love you and got the gift in good faith, trying to do well even if it was flawed? Then express gratitude for the intention, even if you don’t want the gift. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.”
Yes that’s why there is a problem with the reaction wanting to return the gift. Maybe we didn’t understand the same thing.
The giver was hurt because the reciever expressed that they didn’t want the gift so they should return it because it won’t get used. “Sorry, I’m happy with the one I have and don’t want to replace it.” There is no indication that how you phrased this isn’t exactly what op did. Unlikely, but we don’t know any more than after expressing they don’t want a new version that they suggested it be returned. To me that says I’m sorry but this was a waste and I don’t want your effort to be wasted.
If this was an acquaintance and not their partner I could see it differently, maybe. I’m trying not to make assumptions about anything here and using the post on its own merit. So as far as I’m concerned OP didn’t do anything wrong and is confused by the hurt reaction. Coming here to try and get an outside perspective is an attempt to get a less biased perspective on the situation which is evidence that OP actually cares a great deal about why this is a problem and is literally asking us to help understand.
A lot of the comments have made wild assumptions about OP “scolding” their spouse when that’s not information we know and it is being assumed.
Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It’s obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.
I… Sort of agree and sort of disagree. They thought of OP, but also… Didn’t. OP is being stubborn in understanding, but so is the gift giver. It’s a sensitive and complex situation, and both parties’ emotions are valid and just a little bit selfish.
they didn’t put any good damned thought into it. Not any that wasn’t completely selfish.
christ you’re just a bundle of joy aren’t you
I am fucking delightful actually. I also can empathize with someone I’ve never met.
your response doesn’t fill me with confidence
Truth is often stranger than fiction
is it also commonly downvoted?
