Hey Anon, you did great!
In this situation, as in many in life, Judo rules apply: Go with the punch, don’t push against it.
This was a win, you just need to recognize it as that.- you proved yourself that you have lots of courage
- you were not a creep when talking to a stranger
- you dodged a bullet with that woman.
- you tried something new. (might not have worked out at the first try, but can’t really expect to be that lucky)
keep it up, don’t lose heart, you’ll find your match.
For real, I can probably count on my hands the number of times I tried cold approaches like that in my life. Especially with a pack of girls. Super duper ballsy of Anon. Much respect.
Great comment, cold approaching in any situation can be intimidating but at the end of the day the worst that can happen is they say “no”. And then you can go home and get high or drunk or whatever and not care. Each rejection hurts a little less each time.
I mean, better solution is to go hang with your friends and commiserate. Which, imo, is always something dating advice seems to avoid talking about. Dating is hard. Having a solid social support system to pick you back up again is crucial.
That’s when you go “Oh Okay, I can see why your single” and walk away like a boss
Sounds to me like you just dodged a bullet, mate.
Absolutely. Anyone willing to treat a stranger this way is unequivocally a shitbag.
She will die alone, whether she is married or not.
i’ve rejected plenty of women. i’ve never mocked them while doing it. it’s not hard to reject people politely.
i also used to get rejected politely… but i’ll admit that the past few years people have started rejecting me really rudely. for some reason post pandemic a lot of people entitled to be a raging assholes.
Going to a bar to meet someone was the first problem. It’s far better to try to meet people in public places that don’t involve alcohol, drugs and loud music.
Uh, maybe bars work differently in your neck of the woods, but that sounds more like a nightclub to me. Alcohol in reasonable amounts - sure, but I generally wouldn’t expect either drugs or loud music in any bar around here.
Nah but for real if some random stranger at a bar overheard me saying I’m single and then came up to me and my friends like that I would be a little creeped out too.
I wouldn’t be mean about it, but I definitely wouldn’t say yes.
For sure and that’s alright. But at the same time pubs are called that because they are a public space, hence you usually don’t expect actual privacy and it’s what leads to moments of joy when things randomly fall into place. Could be creepy, could be magical. Anon gave it a try, failed his landing (asking a girl out was a bit much, he could have just offered a drink and joined in on the convo), but he shouldn’t feel so bad about it.
It sucks that he doesn’t have mates he can laugh about it with though. That’s the real tragedy to me.This is definitely one of those ‘creepy if ugly’ moments. If he was a handsome guy, it would be romantic and has almost definitely happened in a million Hallmark movies.
Listening in on conversations is creepy, no matter how good-looking a person is.
And that stuff happens in movies doesn’t mean it isn’t creepy in real-life.
Not really. If you were discussing with somebody about some terminal illness you were raising money for and somebody approached and said: “Sorry, but I overheard what you said and I’d love to donate, if that’s okay” that would not be creepy in the slightest.
There is a difference between ‘overhearing’ and ‘purposefully spying’
Well, OP wasn’t donating money, was he?
The scenario you brought up would be creepy too, but people tend to value money over the slight discomfort of creepiness.
In what world is it creepy to overhear somebody saying something in a public place? Have you ever been in a social situation before?
In what world is it not creepy to butt into some strangers’ personal conversation after overhearing details that were clearly not addressed to you?
Have you ever been in a social situation before?
There is context and nuance to everything. If you think this situation is ALWAYS creepy then I’m afraid you are objectively incorrect.
Children walk up to each other on a playground and butt in and make friends happily. Why do you want us all to be boring robots that never interface?
You are probably not wrong, super attractive people can get away with cringy things. Wouldn’t be a good strategy for an average looking person, however.
If he was handsome it would still be creepy
Handsome/Ugly is in the eye of the person, remember. Just because one person found you not attractive, doesn’t mean they all do.
Fuck Hallmark movies, Don’t make me vomit
Of course everyone is entitled to have their own opinion of what is beautiful. But there are some pretty obvious statistical convergences.
Sure, but personally, I don’t give a fuck about that. I don’t find conventionally attractive people, good looking. They don’t do it for me. And If I, just one person feels this way, and I’ve met other’s like this too, there must be more.
Just tryin to put that beacon of hope out.
Sure. But I think it is better to set realistic expectations. After all, it you don’t expect much, then you won’t feel so bad when it doesn’t manifest. With false hope, you are crushed each time your hopes don’t meet reality. In the long run, realistic expectations serve us better because we can see how our efforts lead us to the results we desire.
This isn’t to say that conventionally unattractive people should give up all hope and dispair. It just means they should temper their expectations relative to their more attractive counterparts, and should focus on things which are within their circle of control, like fitness, grooming, style, lifestyle, mindset, and number of people talked to.
Both those things, saving hope, while going into things with no expectations or “realistic” expectations are both very compatible.
You can have realistic hope. It’s exactly as you describe in your second paragraph. Good stuff.
“Hello, Human Resources??”
It’s not so much creepy if ugly, so much as creepy if not confident.
And the way to become confident in something is to do it a bunch of times.
Lesson being, it’s okay if someone thinks you’re creepy. You’re just in the process of developing a new skill.
Impossible. It’s the females!
*insert Skinner meme*
Not even if I was a two headed Brad Pitt with the body of the strongest Chris?
No wonder she’s single.
“Sorry, from across the bar I couldn’t see how ugly your personality was. It all makes sense now.”
I mean, considering there’s a 100% chance this is just a fantasy in anon’s head I’d say she dodged a bullet.
What makes you think that the girl is even real?
What makes you think that girls are even real?
Everyone on the internet is either a man or a dog.
woof
Nice try. We know you’re a frog!
Im a cat :3
not true, some of us are cats
** Meow **
You son of a removed, I’m in.
Well, I’m taking estrogen, so they’re about to become real
If you can’t get a big tiddy goth gf, become the big tiddy goth gf.
First the birds, then the girls?
Hmmm… I remember an old lesson from the ancient times of the Internet, now long forgotten:
“Girl” is an acronym for “Guy In Real Life”.
Checkmate; girls are a social construct!
What makes you think?
Chatbots would have strung him along for at least the subscription fee.
Tits or gtfo
Well played
Now we know why she’s single
Thats why she cant find a man! Lesson here dont approach women that say “they cant find a man” there is a reason they cant find a man and you should believe her. What you did was courageous and this shouldn’t stop you from trying in the future.
Thats why she cant find a man!
I read about a guy on a website who just trolled bars for hours at a time, eavesdropping on every conversation between anyone he considered remotely attractive. At the slightest hint of desperation, he would run up to a table and announce “I am a single man! Please date me! I will feed you dinner and then we can be together!”
He is the most successful anon in history. Goes on dates every single day of his life. Little black book contains hundreds of phone numbers from women desperate for a second chance at him. But he doesn’t stop. One Date Only, that’s his policy. He’s just too much of a hot commodity to deprive the rest of the Femoid Race of his charms.
This is the real reason OP’s story is about a woman who is single.
Is he called Ataru Moroboshi by any chance? Xd
Or she’s just unlucky. Or has some other understandable and solveable problem in her life. Lesson is, just approach anyone you find hot. If they reject you, that’s fine. If you find you don’t like them and reject them later, that’s fine too. Most people aren’t “bad”, and rejection isn’t bad either - it is simply the process by which people figure out who they are compatible with. It sure doesn’t feel good - but the one thing that is sure to stunt your progress in finding partners is avoiding things that are uncomfortable
Lesson here: definitely take away life lessons from a greentext
Fake: anon approached a girl
Gay: anon was daydreaming for 3 hours about getting engaged
Guy’s a creepo, gal puts people down unnecessarily. Both will unwillingly die alone.
Why is the guy a creep?
What he says boils down to “I was eavesdropping your conversation, and I assume you’re desperate. You might as well lower your standards — date someone random you have no connections with, like me.” It’s bad; not bad enough to deserve that rude reply, but still bad.
A better approach would be to try to pick up a woman who’s alone, offer her a drink*, chitchat a bit, and then ask her for a date. With no references to what she said to other people. Creating some connection between him and her, before he asks her out.
*always ask the bar workers to bring it. Don’t bring it yourself.
A better approach would be to try to pick up a woman who’s alone, offer her a drink*,
A bit of a tangent, but I really hate this. Not meaning to call you out, this is a really common recommendation for an icebreaker and it’s also reinforced by popular media and the like, but it always feels to me like the implication is that if a man wants to approach a woman, they must buy something for them as part of that process. Like it’s a transaction fee to be given a chance.
i date actively.
most women expect you to pay your way into their company. in my city they had a poll, 80% of women expected a man to pay for a nice (expensive) first date otherwise he wasn’t worth dating. only 20% of women disagreed with this.
They also polled the men. The male split was 60/40. The hosts on the show where they did the poll had their mind blown how rabidly sexist the women were and immediately went on about how stupid it was and how men and women should each pay their own way until a relationship is established.
Can I get a link to this study, by chance?
Do you think it’s purely just sexism, or do you think it maybe has something to do with the strategy women must employ to protect themselves from being assaulted by strangers?
Is the implication, then, that people with money are never dangerous individuals?
No, not never, but a monetary barrier probably does filter out some bad actors. Not all of course, and it probably filters out some good actors too unfortunately. But with the amount of assaults women are faced with, I understand why they feel the need to be somewhat choosy.
how does expecting a guy to buy you a $200 dinner prevent him from assaulting you?
or are you saying if a guy can only buy you a $20 drink, or doesn’t buy you a drink, he’s dangerous and awful?
because that shit is not only sexist, it’s classist. the assumption that wealthy people are morally better people is patently wrong.
Yeah, if anything, I feel like a guy paying $200 for a meal would expect something in return and might get aggressive.
It really does ring faintly of a “poor people are dangerous” kind of note.
Nah you’re missing the point. The problem is that men assault women disproportionately. That’s what needs to be called out as sexism, that’s what needs addressed, that’s what needs to change.
What does buying their dinner have to do with protecting them from being assaulted? If anything the guy paying for everything is going to be more likely to expect something in return.
I agree, but the location was a bar. Kinda normal at a bar.
Yeah, I think the way it was handled in the greentext was way more natural and sincere. No idea why it’s considered creepy. Buying some random woman a drink is just cringy.
I get your reasoning, but personally I never interpreted it as a transaction fee. It’s more like a token of good will; I do something similar when I find friends in a bar, too.
The main gender problematic I see is:
- If a woman approaches a man with a drink, society immediately labels both sides as bad.
- In some cases she’d be better off approaching a bear, but she won’t know it until it’s too late.
In some cases she’d be better off approaching a bear, but she won’t know it until it’s too late.
Sometimes he’d be better off approaching a bear, too, and also won’t know it until it’s too late. This isn’t a gender thing, this is just a “some people are shitty” thing.
amen. god forbid we acknowledge there are shitty people in the world, and their gender is irrelevant to their shittness.
Nah its not creepy. Its perfectly fine to ask her out like that she just didnt want it and rejected him in a bit of an over the top way. Whole thing is no issue. If you are gonna randomly strike up conversations you will get cooked sometimes.
“I’ve been listening to your conversation” is not a good way to start. There are some exceptions, but even then you’re starting on thin ice and have to ease into it.
You shouldnt have to rehearse the perfect line that is impossible to be offended by just to talk to a stranger. We aren’t robots. We dont always hit 100% of the time. We stumble and overextend. Expectations have gotten out of hand.
Tai Chi is all about not overextending.
How does that apply here?
you are allowed to stumble on the first line. and it may come off poorly. and if it does the other person is perfectly valid for not wanting to engage further. therefore if you want the other person to continue to engage, you should try not to come off poorly. this isn’t some newfangled social phenomenon, it’s how basic human interaction has worked for millennia
You did a thing where you almost said something but then turned around and didnt.
“I couldn’t help but hear your drunken rantings.”
I couldn’t help but overhear you and your loud as fuck, half-drunk friends….
Asking her out would be fine; the problem, as I already explained, is how. However I do agree with you that her answer was over the top, a simple “No.” would be the best.
Whole thing is no issue.
It was clearly an issue to the Anon, check the last paragraph.
If you are gonna randomly strike up conversations you will get cooked sometimes.
He wasn’t just striking up a conversation.
Additionally (and that’s neither side’s fault), mob mentality is a plague. She was in a group of four people; people typically behave worse in groups than alone.
Can’t think of a time where I’ve ever seen a woman at a bar alone.
I’ve seen it plenty, plenty times. Because I was looking for it. That was my “plan A” strategy when I still bothered dating; it works great as long as you know to be assertive without being pushy. (Some people want to be left alone, some only want to chitchat, both things are fine and you should respect that.)
My “plan B” was relying on connections, but that relies on luck. For example:
- you go to the bar with A
- A is acquainted with B, who’s drinking with C
- You say “hey, what if we all drink together?”
Then you have some room to at least know B and/or C better. And potentially ask one of them out.
Odds are my “plan B” is not viable for Anon, though - does he even have friends to go to the bar with?
Must be different bars. I see groups of women out but can’t recall any individuals. Plan b has pretty much been my entire strategy my whole life. Just being in places with women and being nice, funny, and non-threatening got me in with a bunch of different groups. Not always a date but they would vouch for me.
It’s not eavesdropping. They were having a public conversation at a fucking bar - a place where plenty of people go in attempts to meet new people… If it was a private convo (one that can be eavesdropped on) that’s different. If it was a private conversation, they shouldn’t have been at a location where it’s normal to try flirting with strangers.
Paying too much attention on the others’ conversations, even in a public environment, is creepy.
If someone is sitting by themselves at a bar, it should be assumed they’re listening to everything around them unless they’re wearing earbuds. Have some general awareness of reality.
people are also loud as fuck. almost anytime i am at a bar i’m forced to listen to people’s convos because they are SCREAMING at each other. very few people are talking quietly to each other such that you can’t hear them, and if they are doing that, you’re not going to hear them.
of course the obnoxious loud people are the very same type who are going to tell you how creepy it is you are listening to them. the only way you can’t listen to them is if you had noise cancelling headphones in.
you forgot the part where he sat there for 3 hours alone, nervous and sweating, and periodically staring at the women… then he interrupted a group talking to ask on of them on a date, skipping the part where you introduce yourself and other standard interaction where you gauge someone’s interest before asking….
op was probably also extremely obese, had a neckbeard, a fedora, and hasn’t showered in a month….
then he just stood next to them silently shaking, until they paid attention… then he said his line… mumbling, while staring intently at the girl’s breasts….
i made up a lot but the point is there’s a lot more to it than this fictional story lets on…
That’s damn many assumptions
Not really assumptions, but how it sounds like, in the context of a social setting. Or, if you want: that’s how people “read” it.
I feel like reading into it would be a better way to put it. Though not sure how different that is from assuming things
As opposed to all of the [dating people you have connections with] that happens all the time these days?
If you’re trying to say something like “you have connections, unlike all of the dating people”: that is not what I said. Everybody has at least some connections; it’s all about how you use them to know more people.
If you mean something else, please explain - I’m genuinely struggling to parse your sentence.
That’s fair it’s a confusing sentence. My point is that in the modern era more people date people they don’t know on tingerbee vs people they know, so not having a connection isn’t disqualifying.
I added brackets to make the noun clearer.
This is stupid and you should feel bad.
He’s not a creep, but he has the emotional intelligence of an insurance investigator.
“Hi, you sound needy and vulnerable” is a rough starting point for a pickup line. He clearly didn’t mean it as an insult, but it’s not hard to imagine a woman in that situation being embarrassed, feeling exposed, and being insulted by the implication that this guy might be trying to capitalize on her moment of vulnerability.
Hurt-people hurt people.
why do you want me to hurt people though? which people do i hurt?
Dear Hurt-people,
I want to clarify; that was a statement about human nature. It was not, and should not be interpreted as, advice or a call to action.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
dark humor, dark humor.
You don’t go up to someone and say hey I was listening to you complain about wanting a guy, how about me? and expect a good response.
“hey, I was just reading you complain about someone, fancy going out on a lemmydate* sometime??”
*I don’t actually want to think what a Lemmy date would entail
A nice chat about the merits of Arch Linux and a long kneesock showcase.
sorry m8 u aren’t the one for me 😭
I’m a Lubuntu normie soz
Because he spoke to a stranger that didn’t want him to speak to them.
Because he spoke to a stranger that didn’t want him to speak to them.
Don’t be disingenuous. That is not even remotely close to what I said.
Not bothering further with you.
I guess this means the date’s off and you’re going to die alone?
I don’t know what you said. My response was general.
I mean this is probably fake ragebait for the 4chan crowd
Is it? I’ve known girls like this
Not to say this is a woman’s issue, men can be assholes too, bit this is just the risk of approaching human beings
Pro tip: when people are with their friends they might feel the need to show off how cool they are or something, promoting responses like these. In my personal experiences, when in groups, kids and young adults tend to behave much more like an asshole whereas when they’re alone all of the sudden they behave like themselves.
If this is a true story, had he approached buyer alone, she might still have rejected him but have not been such a bitch about it
Bad advice. Approaching a woman along lowers your chances dramatically. If so meme wants to date you, they will say yes with their friends around.
You’re thinking high school.
I don’t know why someone would think this is just a story. Probably 66% of men have had similar experiences, been told that while the woman may be in the market, they aren’t in the market for YOU. Guys like us get the message very early on that we are NOT what women are looking for. We have to make up for it in either earning potential or humor, or desperation by their female counterparts.
I’ve known girls like this
Sure. Rich, gorgeous, and constantly looking for someone who reminds them of their father.
If this is a true story, had he approached buyer alone
It’s not, he didn’t, and the real killer lead in is to tell the woman you accept bitcoin as payment.
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I assumed they laughed at her because she actually IS that desperate but in denial about it.
The amount of people that assume laughter is directed at them in a scenario like this instead of the friend or even just a reaction to something uncomfortable is too high.
I can’t imagine why no one would want her with that shining personality
Super rude on her part, but it’s also extremely intrusive, rude, and weird to walk up to a total stranger you’ve never even talked to and ask her to dinner solely because you’ve been sitting alone at the bar for three hours overhearing her complain to her friends about being single. I’m not saying it can’t work if you’re physically like an 8–10/10, but that’s effectively all she has to go on besides this obviously weird thing you’re doing.
“I’m not desperate” could totally be referring to what he did rather than how he looks. This is George Costanza shit.
Um, this is the point of going on a date? To get to know someone new? She shouldn’t need anything else to go on until after they’ve spent some time getting to know each other? A first date is not a lifetime commitment.
How else do you get a date with someone, if not by asking them?
The point of going on a date is getting to know somebody better because you’re interested in them. Why on Earth would this woman be interested in this weirdo who she knows nothing about except, at most, that he sat alone at a bar for three hours straight, listened to her conversation, and interrupted her to ask her to dinner on the premise that she needs saving from being single specifically by him?
Haaaaa the new generations… ya know once upon a times this was standard procedure right? Not so long ago even. Sometimes you didn’t even talk before furiously kissing someone on the dance floor and discussions came waaaaaay later on if they ever came.
This still happens, but you also still need to be suave about it, which anon was not.
“Hey, I heard you talking about wanting to date. I’ve been feeling the same way and wanted to see if I could get us a couple drinks?”
That’s still bad because this is still pretty weird, but just be a bit casual about it instead of: “M’lady most fine, I heard of your plight and wish to save you. Please allow me take you out to dinner next week.” She’s with her friends, sure, but it sounds like she’s been bringing down their night by complaining, so they probably wouldn’t mind if she (somehow) said “yes”. And the suggestion itself involves way less commitment than planning a date.
I’ve been out of the game for a while, but I would assume a much better starting point would be buying her a drink. Ask the bartender what she’s having, then offer to buy one for her. “Here’s another drink ma’am, courtesy of that guy over there.”
Yeah, this is what you should ideally do in this scenario if you want a date. My comment was starting from “assume you’ve already walked up to her table; how do you even possibly salvage this?”
You get the difference though, right? Like, it’s one thing if you’re going out to a place known for mingling and you hook up with someone. It is a completely different thing if you’re at a place to hang out with friends and a complete stranger saunters up to say he’s been eavesdropping on you.
Nhaaaaa when going to bars or youth places was still a thing it was exactly like that… you went out with them to smoke, asked / give some lighter and voila. We had to rely on so many tricks when tinder was not a thing I suspect you don’t realise yourself :-)
you went out with them to smoke, asked / give some lighter and voila.
So you didn’t just barge into their group conversation. Cause that would be weird right?
You should also give up on this whole “wizend internet elder” schtick. I was also going to bars and youth places before Tinder, and behaviour like that of the 4Chan guy would definitely be called out as strange and unwelcome.
Same same really. And the lighter was one of the least obnoxious trick really.
Can’t help with the personality though, that’s just who I am. Feel free to click on « block » if it hurts.
Stories like this are presented from the POV of the guy, even from that perspective it’s not ‘good’, at best it’s just not ‘bad’
There’s nothing wrong with asking but also like don’t just drop it out of nowhere.
Even if the vibes are right, you can’t just walk up to someone, say ‘wanna date?’ and get good results. That’s especially true if you open by saying you were evesdropping.
Chat with someone for a bit, see if you click before asking them on a date. Even just buy them a drink and give them the option to approach you.
She was a massive dick, but that doesn’t mean he handled the situation well.
The point of a date is not to get to know someone new. It’s to get to know someone romantically. Some people want to know a little bit about someone before they are ready to decide if that’s something they’re interested in.
It’s not always “that” you ask someone. Sometimes its when you ask… or how, or what you say.
Nah.
Rude?
On the guy’s part?
No, not at all.
Done pretty clumsily, awkwardly?
Sure.
But, assuming OP actually said what they said they said, that’s not impolite, that’s not rude.
Its not insulting.
It makes literally no difference at all that the guy was sitting in the bar listening to her talk to her friends for 3 hours before he worked up the nerve to attempt to ask her out.
What if he had… just walked in and did this?
Or… been at the table nearby for 30 minutes?
Or was playing Pool for an hour near the table?
None of those things factors in to how rude or not his actions toward her were.
Also… what world are you living in where talking to someone you haven’t previously met, in a bar, is a social faux pas?
The… whole point of going to a place with a bunch of people drinking is to be at a place with a bunch of people drinking.
I met new people at bars all the time back in my college days, made a lot of friends that way, sometimes a bit more than friends.
This is like, how society worked for at least a hundred years, basically before the invention of TikTok/Instagram.
I am honestly baffled by your stance here.
This isn’t a sit down restaurant.
Its a bar. A pub.
Like sure, barging into an ongoing conversation and inserting yourself into it does require some tact, skill, and ability to just bounce off if its clear your presence is not appreciated.
But her level of cruelty was far, far more rude than anything this socially anxious guy did.
I was the guy who apparently was in your 8 to 10 range, as I’d do basically this, though a bit more smoothly, and fairly often it would work.
Sometimes you get a soft, polite no, and that’s totally fine.
Sometimes, you get a hard no, a vicious no, like this one.
And that stings.
This guy, OP? His entire world is hard nos, every time he tries.
He is literally despairing over this, and you call him rude.
This is the kind of mindset that you have, that led to the proliferation of the saying and concept ‘Bros before Hoes’.
That doesn’t mean all women are hoes.
It means guys with pretty privilege wingman for their bros without it, and help their bros recover from brutal rejections like this one.
Honestly, I’ve even wingmanned for socially awkward gals too, work them into a conversation I’m already having with some guy they’ve told me they very much fancy, but are too scared to even approach.
Thanks for typing it out! Half of the people here apparently have never dated or had fun the old way, without apps. In fact, it’s downright sad to see that basic human interaction is dying out. These skills that everyone kind of had to learn in the past transfer to day to day life. Many younger people are just not pleasant to be around in the office because they have zero social skills.
The wild part is that I’m not even 40 yet.
And, I am literally autistic, struggled with socializing a fair bit in middle and high school, and then forced myself to learn social skills in college, in part through going to bars and learning how to be a wingman and such.
Like… what I have described is the 101 stuff, lol.
Maybe I’m just… too good at masking, or something? I dunno anymore.
I think it’s not so much that he approached a stranger or even that he overheard the conversation, but using his overhearing of the conversation as the whole pretense of asking her out.
“I heard you talking about how you need a date so here I am”
The problems are:
While you don’t expect privacy, it is still kind of weird for someone to explicitly mention that they were an unintended participant to the conversation. It amps up the awkwardness which is the last thing you want if you are trying to make someone comfortable. She may very well be explicitly aware that her conversation was overheard, but it’s something that can be put aside, except it was explicitly brought up.
Further, the rationale makes it sound like he thinks he is doing her a favor. The takeaway is not “you seem interesting/attractive and I’d like to get to know you” it seems more like “you seem like you are in need and I could do you a favor by taking you out”. That takeaway is going to feel like the offer makes her just seem more pathetic, like a “pity date”. Particularly in front of her friends, any whiff of a “pity date” will trigger being defensive.
Of course the story is probably all a fabrication, but taking it at face value I certainly see how it is ‘off’.
Yep, his tactics were not on point, gave major creepo vibes.
I fully understand that it was cringe, poorly executed, poorly worded, conveyed desperation and pathetic…ness.
I understand that just directly saying “So I overheard your conversation…” is nearly 100% guaranteed to creep somebody out.
But he did not insult her.
He did nothing threatening.
He didn’t single her out, didn’t use the crowd traffic to pin her, didn’t just literally grab her, didn’t “accidentally” get her surrounded by all his other dude bro friends in a crowd.
I’ve seen dudes do all kindsa shit like that.
That’s rude, that’s threatening.
This guy literally ran away and cried.
On the reverse of that… I myself have been approached by women with equally terrible opening lines and surrounding contexts/situations, conveying desperation being… agonizingly awkward.
Every one of them that I declined, I politely declined, trying to soothe the rejection with some kind of compliment on the way out.
Only time I ever felt threatened or that they were being rude was when when they would not take no for an answer, when they insulted me after I tried to turn them down gently, and/or they literally grabbed me or tried to physically pin me in some way.
This woman was needlessly cruel.
Further, you’re just making up headcanon that he viewed this as a better deal for her, that he was showing some kind of pity to her by approaching.
There’s nothing in the text that indicates that’s what he was thinking. Literally nothing.
That’s your fancanon, your projection, your invention.
All he does is say “I heard a woman say she wwas looking for a partner. So I tried to ask her out on a date.”
In fact, what he does say about his mindset indicates the opposite.
It took him 3 hours to work up the nerve, to try to generate the confidence to approach her.
He sat there agonizing about whether or not this would end in disaster for 3 hours, before he tried to pull the trigger.
And sure, yes, we’re taking this story at face value, could be bullshit or very skewed.
… But I was once this guy.
I mean, younger than these two, but oh lordy were some of my high school, and even early college attempts at flirting cringeworthy, still haunt me to this day.
I just managed to keep trying, and find success as I found my confidence and my own more true sense of personality and style, if that makes any sense.
Beyond that, I’ve wingmanned for guys pretty much just like this guy.
This is an entirely plausible story; its not just plausible, its quite common.
Its even more common now than back in my day, what is it, like near 50% of Zoomers, guys and gals, have just… never had a sexual partner, by like age 21?
There’s nothing in the text that indicates that’s what he was thinking.
She isn’t a telepath, it’s not about what he was thinking, it’s a risk of how it may be perceived. Taking offense/getting defensive is not about what was intended, but how it was taken. So if she, even incorrectly, thought there was a ‘pity date’ being offered she might have been overly mean in her reaction.
It’s not about judging, it’s about feedback and offering an outside perspective on facets that could be done better next time. Even if you are thinking this should be a good opportunity for both of you because of her stated problems, don’t bring it up explicitly. It’s clearly something she is likely to be touchy about.
She isn’t a telepath, it’s not about what he was thinking…
I mean, you… said it was… about what he may have been thinking, that was part of what you said.
Why throw out an idea and then just retreat on it?
Taking offense/getting defensive is not about what was intended, but how it was taken.
Meaningless tautology.
Being offended is when someone is offended.
Uh huh.
Yep.
So if she, even incorrectly, thought there was a ‘pity date’ being offered she might have been overly mean in her reaction.
So you’re conceeding the point; this woman was needlessly cruel.
You’re trying to explain her actions.
Sure, yeah, maybe you’re right.
… I don’t care what her explanation may be.
I am describing what she did, not why she did it.
Also, your explanation for her actions just makes her look worse.
“Well, I decided I was being demeaned, for no discernible reason, so I acted like a bully first.”
Ah, the pre-emptive, “defensive” invasion of Iraq, or Ukraine, as a strategic paradigm for handling flirting, sounds great.
Also also, stop using hypotheticals to describe her actions.
We agreed we are taking the story at face value, now you’re back to acting like you’re not.
She was needlessly cruel.
Not ‘maybe she may have been’.
She was.
It’s not about judging…
She judged him. Publically. Harshly.
I’m gonna judge her too.
Fair’s fair.
You don’t get to play by two different sets of rules and standards if two people are playing the same game.
Also… what world are you living in where talking to someone you haven’t previously met, in a bar, is a social faux pas?
It’s not inherently. That’s why the sentence had more words than just the ones about being strangers. I expect you to know how to read sentences given your comment is a fucking wall of them.
Try reading all of them.
If your first lines are that ignorant it’s not worth going through the rest. It’s weird and creepy to just eavesdrop like that for hours then brazenly jump into their conversation to drop a pickup line.
Ok.
Let me explain how bars work.
They are generally fairly small and crowded.
There are often a lot of people having conversations with a lot of other people.
You can often hear some, or most of these, depending on where you are sitting.
Overhearing other peoples private conversations, that they are having in a public space, often loudly…
… That is not eavesdropping.
That is existing, in a bar.
Framing this as eavesdropping is absurd.
Eavesdropping, quite literally, derives from the concept of pressing your ear up against a window to a home or bedroom, from outside of it.
The ‘eave’ is basically the part of a roof or window design that hangs over it, kinda like an awning.
So, you hang onto or crouch down on the eave of the window, listen to the private conversation, and then drop down from it once you’ve heard enough.
Yeah, that’s creepy spying shit.
You have a reasonable expectation of privacy in a private home.
You do not have this in a bar, or pub.
Pub being a shortening of roughly ‘public house’, a place where people are meant to gather, mingle, and interact.
Some of the people in this thread have very clearly never been to a bar. They only speak with strangers in text form.
What on earth do you have against paragraphs? I don’t want to read your comments just based on the formatting, let alone the actual content.
Responding to the content though: In this situation, this woman was being social at a bar with her friends. Women existing in public is not an open invitation to bother them and being unable to read social cues is probably a big part of Anon’s problems with women. Women utilize a great deal of non-verbal communication and not being able to read that or refusing to even try is a great way to plaster oneself in red flags.
Do you talk to yourself often?
Talking to a stranger is extremely rude?
How are you supposed to find a partner if you’re not allowed to talk to strangers?
No, walking up to and interrupting a group at a bar after listening to them for three hours, telling them you’ve been listening, then asking one of them to dinner next week like they need saving by you is extremely rude. No one’s saying you aren’t allowed to talk to strangers; you just shouldn’t be this goddamn weird and intrusive about it.
“How are you supposed to find a partner?”
Get to know the strangers first in a capacity whose end goal isn’t a date, then ask them out when you know them somewhat? Or ask a stranger out at a place and in a context where it’s expected they might be open to it? Anyway, I’m going to go ask out random women on the street, because it’s not rude; I mean fuck, man, how else can you find a partner in this economy?
He wasn’t listening to the conversation for 3 hours. He was seated there for 3 hours, and then he overheard a part of a conversation.
Overhearing is not the same as actively listening. Talking in public is public. They are at a bar, which is an extremely social place, it is normal for strangers to join conversations.
And what place and context is more appropriate than a bar for asking someone out? It has been the de facto place exactly for that purpose for millenia.
The phrasing heavily implies that they worked up their nerve over the course of three hours and that this was a recurring conversation throughout that time. And I’m not assuming they were attentively listening; what’s problematic is that they leveraged (unsuccessfully) what they overheard to swoop in like a creepy vulture and try to pick this woman up (under the guise of doing her a favor) while she was just trying to have a nice time with her friends.
Idk why you are choosing to imagine anon like that. But that is a pretty normal and socially acceptable behaviour in a bar
Because it’s written on 4chan and all men are dangerous and need to be shamed into not approaching anyone. You’re only allowed to approach someone if you’re incredibly attractive and socially perfectly calibrated.
You are really putting this woman on a pedestal.
Fake: Anon left the house
Gay: Anon was a girl this whole time
